two weeks

Bullet and I one morning when I stayed home with him...one of my favorite pictures.

It's hard to believe it's been only two weeks since we said goodbye to our sweet baby Bullet. I still catch myself thinking "I wonder when Bullet's going to bark and tell us he's up from his nap & ready to play" or wake up in the morning and lay there thinking "Yay! I get to see his little face before I start school" and then a spilt second later remember he's gone. And I'll never get to experience that again. Then I cry and that's just not the way I like to start my day. Sad. 

Clark started volunteering at the humane society this week. He loves it. He loves puppies period.  He misses having a dog so much, and this is a great way for him to get volunteer hours and just PLAY with the puppies. Not having to be their sole caretaker is just what he needs because Bullet required SO MUCH attention since he was sick it was hard to enjoy him sometimes. It's hard to say since he was sick and neither he or us could help the way he acted but the truth is hard sometimes.

 He loves to tell me about how much fun he had, but that's not part of my healing process. I cry every single time I see another dog. I need time...I've always been like that. I'm a thinker, and I have to think things over. That's why I didn't really get emotional until we buried him...I didn't think about it until I had to. And then I couldn't (and still can't) think it through enough.

Time. It takes time. Until then, I'll look at pictures of him when he was tiny enough to pick up with one hand and remember the times before he was symptomatic (he was always sick...from the first day we got him. multiple birth defects that didn't resolve themselves but got worse as he grew).

I know I promised no more sad posts. But I had to write it out. This is part of my healing process: to write it out too. Thanks for being there readers. I am so grateful for this space  to write because I stink at journal but can type a mile a minute.

I better stop writing before I get SO sappy I make myself sick ha.

thank you thank you thank you

Bullet's grave, marked by a makeshift cross and dandelions.

I can not even begin to describe how all 14 of your comments mean to me. The actual number is speaks volumes because it is the most comments I've ever gotten on post and it shows that Bullet was loved by people that have never met him. He had that affect on people.  I read through all the words of encouragement you left for me & the family and tear up, which isn't a shock since I do it without warning So thank you, readers. Thank you for the prayers. Thank you for simply being there, letting me emotionally vomit all over my blog.

So many of you expressed that you had lost a pet...and it does get better, but never goes away. At some point, I'll be able to see his favorite turtle and remember how much fun we had wrestling or I'll be able to come home and not feel sad because he won't be there to greet me. The happy will take over the sad. I know that as fact.

Even with that knowledge, it doesn't take the hurt away. We are at peace with our decision to do what the vet recommended. Something that helped all of us was a comment by the vet tech with Mom & Dad that afternoon...a puppy's first year is supposed to be the time he was thriving and having the time of his little puppy life. He wasn't, and it breaks my heart. We couldn't do anything for him but take his pain away. It was the right thing but it doesn't mean it wasn't extremely sad.

I still need your prayers. I don't know when that will stop. But I promise to not be so morbid anymore. I need some happy in my life now. Prayers and love supply that.

It's Monday readers. I hope yours was better than mine.

goodbye bullet

Since my last update post on Bullet, so many things happened.

 

The short version is he had good days, and bad days where he drooled incessantly, jerking around when we held him, wouldn't eat/drink/go to the bathroom or sometimes keep it down, walked the perimeter of the room and ran into things, didn't respond to us. When we couldn't remember the last good day he had, we took him to the vet. She wanted to run many tests, tests we couldn't afford and pump him full of drugs.

After that last visit to the vet close to us, he improved. But not for long. After a particularly bad couple days, we had to do something, especially since we witnessed potential seizure activity. We talked to friends that had dogs and decided to take him to their vet...a holistic vet.

He confirmed the seizures...in fact, he was having one as he examined him. I cried like a big baby. The vet tested his blood sugar, thinking that was the cause for his seizures. It was, and we went away that day with a diet plan heavy on people food to boost nutrients.

We changed his diet and took care of our intensive care puppy faithfully...and praise the Lord he was better! He was still sick, in hindsight, but not as symptomatic as before. We fully enjoyed and appreciated every single minute he wasn't suffering, but knew in the back of our minds that he could relapse. It happened before, and it could happen again. Just as I was about to write his 4 month old update post, the diet stopped working and he started to go downhill.

Just as I was about to write his 4 month old update post, the diet stopped working and he started to go downhill.  We were devastated, readers. So sad that all our hard work was only a temporary solution. It was a possibity, but we hoped and prayed he'd be healed and live a full life.

Fast forward a week to this Thursday and he was so sick we could barely look at him without feeling his pain. Mom took him to the vet in the afternoon and our last ditch effort was to try an anti-seizure meds. Needless to say, it didn't work. Another dose yesterday morning and two full blown seizures later (whole body shaking) and we knew. We knew were out of options and had to think of Bullet and his lack of quality of life if we didn't do something.

So yesterday, we made the desicsion to put Bullet to sleep. His suffering outweighed our selfish, human desire of wanting him to stay here with us.

And today? Today we buried sweet Mr. B under the willow tree in his favorite green blanket. Dandielions were placed on the grave in honor of him because those were his favorite to eat whilst outside frolicking in the sun. We're keeping his favorite turtle, but giving away his other toys to his girlfriend, Daisy. (the Furlough's beagle).

All photos are in chronological order, this being the best and last photo I took of him.

Prayers would be so appreciated. Right now tears are streaming down my face as I type this because I know I'll never hear him bark again, never see his tail wag, never play tug-of-war over Mr. Turtle, and never lay him on his back over my legs and sing to him. He's not suffering anymore, but that doesn't erase the hole in our hearts. Time will take care of it, but for now I cry whenever I look at pictures of him on my phone or see his unused food bowls and a bag full of his toys.

I truly hope your Saturday was better than mine, readers. 

p.s I know Bullet was only a dog, but he was truly part of the family. We loved him so much and the physical hurt we felt when he was buried let me know my love for him was real and I would miss him so much. I really think this is part of my healing process...talking about him and his days with us, whether they are good or bad.


p.s.s Posting was sporadic this week and I apologize. I'll be back next week.

today we...

...spent the morning doing schoolwork. Algebra 2, I hate you. Yes, hate. Strongly dislike sounds too nice for that evil subject. Anatomy is flippin' amazing though. I can tell you ALL about the flow of blood through the heart. You know, in case you wanted to know.

...played with the puppy and got some battle wounds. A full update post needs to be written, but since the last one Bullet's been having seizures due to what we think is low blood sugar. He has been having great days lately (but not normal) so actually PLAYING with him is a rare treat. The bite marks were worth it.

...ran errands and blasted  the radio while playing Solitaire.

...ended the trip into town with a trip to Chick-Fil-A. Oh, Chick-Fil-A. I'm pretty sure I should become your spokesgirl because I can only sing your praises.Your waffles fries and special ketchup mini bottles make me drool and an ice cold Dr. Pepper to wash down a bite of their famous chicken sandwich is amazing.

Goodbye, CFA.

...jammed out to Jason Aldean + Kelly Clarkson, One Republic, and Colbie Calliat on the way home while taking bokeh pictures.

...played (more) with the puppy and watched our favorite show together. Perfect way to end the day...I highly recommend snuggling a puppy and laughing at Last Man Standing.

Happy Tuesday, readers.

the good, the bad, the ugly.

Ya'll. This week is not treating well. Today was kinda sorta a balance...one minute everything's cool, the next I'm sobbing. This has nothing to do with emotions (I know, that was my first thought too...I am a girl, after all) but just life in general. Life is totally...life. That's the only way how to describe it.

So, if you want to know how I cope with the ups & downs of this thing we call life, read on.

Depressed when ya get up? Start you day off right with emails, the Twitters, and watching silly JHutch videos. Seriously, I've watched this video five times today. He is SO making fun of Vanessa and she thinks it's hilarious which makes that much more hilarious to me.



Sad that your blog is blue and all wintry when the weather is anything but? Email your amazing blogging design friend and plead for her to resize your February header. Then make your blog look all pretty in pink and starting updating it a little. Full monthly makeover post coming soon! 

Annoyed that you had to work on schoolwork until 7? Be proud of yourself for sticking with it and having a hot meal lovingly prepared by your mom. Also? Reward yourself with a Doctor Who episode while eating yummy turkey tetrazzini.

So sad for your sweet puppy not feeling good that you sob in the shower for the 2nd night in a row? Eat your feelings by stuffing your face with a Snickers bar and snuggling him.

That's my day. School, worry about the puppy, and surfing the Interwebs. Happy Tuesday, friends!

bullet update

Just a little update for those of you who were so sweet enough to pray for our Bullet baby.

I am SO happy to report that the very next day, Wednesday, he was acting like his ol' self. Tired, yes but way better than that sad day. We were thrilled! 

Yeahhh. Look at that CUTE face.

So happy he was tired enough to still lay in my arms like a baby.

And the best part? He's only gotten more energetic as the week as progressed. Lots of walks to ::ahem:: get things moving if ya know what I mean because this guy still can't get his business right means lots of time playing outside since the weather is SO unseasonably warm (70's?! Yeah, crazy I know.) I took my camera out this afternoon.

Sticks are cool. At least that's what Bullet says! 

THAT LOOK <3

With the ears flipped back, yo!

Again, we only love him a little bit ;) Happy Saturday, readers! I hope you have puppy snuggles in your near future.

bullet {3 months}

As the title says, our sweet baby Bullet turned three months old today. Last Thursday, we marked a month since he came to live with us and turned our life upside down because DUDE. This dog is like a baby. It's been quiet here on the blog when it comes to the pup, so here's an update on our little bundle of black curly fur.

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{1} I mean, look at him. He's cute, even though he looks like a cavemandog. Seriously. He's so hairy you can't see his eyes because of his beard, which has morphed in a Ryan Fitzpatrick type of thing. For the record, Bullet can totally pull of that look. The Bills QB? Not so much.

He's still jet black, which makes it hard to photograph him and get his (brown) eyes...thus no pictures of him. The only part that isn't black on him is his two back feet & a little white patch on his chest, which I'm fairly certain is common for schnauzers.

{2} He's pretty good with routine...feeding, doing his business, and playtime vs naptime. But he has trouble holding it at night the poor guy. We've washed his bed so much it's falling apart because he has NO problem sleeping in his own urine. Weirdo. Even though we wake him to take him out at 10 or so, his little puppy bladder just can't handle it so we have to (usually) take him out at six. In the morning. Thankfully that's not my job. I handle the daytime "business trips". I'm such a horrible reader of his signs...he peed down the air vent in the dining room because I was too busy staring at his cute little face. It was (and still is) flippin' hilarious; the look he gave me after he finished was priceless.

{3} He's aggressive. Not in a I'm-gonna-rip-your-arm-off-your-body-because-I'm-a-devil-dog kind of way, but he's testing his boundaries...trying to see how far he can go until you cry uncle. The biting has gotten better...we used a yelping technique where if he bite we screamed like a puppy in a litter would to stun him.Ever since we started, he's gotten SO much better...our arms thank us. Good thing it's winter & we can wear long sleeves to cover up our scarred forearms.

Yeahhh. We love him just a little bit ;)

**Update** Since I wrote this post, we've taken him to the vet for a regular check up. He hadn't been acting right (we just though he was constipated), but it was off & now. As in, he's be fine in the morning and really lethargic in the afternoon. Weird behavior for a puppy.

He had lost weight and was walking funny (ie falling over with he was trying to go to the bathroom because his stance was funny; he looked like a camel) so the doctor thinks there may be something more serious going on. A liver problem that presents as neuro? I was stunned and almost cried.

 Prayers are appreciated...as much as we love our little guy we just can't afford to spend all this extra money for something that might not even be there. We just want God to heal him & our sweet pup to be back to normal!

it's the little things {link up #4}

One of the most gorgeous and talented blogging women you'll ever met, Lindsay, started hosting a link up called "It's the Little Things" to remind us that God blesses in a not-so big ways. A whole day can turn around when I get a special little something in the mail or my favorite show is on TV that night, and it's great to document the little things God puts in our day to show us he loves us!




...applying for part time jobs. Frustrating because I haven't been hired anywhere, but excited because HOLY COW I'm filling out a job application. & I'll get monies in mah pocket.
...puppy snuggles from a ::ahem:: no pooping dog. Bullet needs to learn that the grass is his bathroom. That is all. 
...sitting in the Coffee Shack writing this post. & eating a panini with the jazz music blasting behind me.
...reading blogs on my Kindle Fire. Thanks to Emily for reminding me about
...wearing my brother's shirt. Forget about waiting until I'm married to wear men's clothes...I can go into Clark's closet and have plaid shirts all ready for me to wear ;)
...lock-ins at church with my best friends. 

Happy Friday readers! I'm off the aforementioned lock-in for WOL girls...pictures to come!

scenes from christmas weekend 2011

As if Christmas wasn't cool enough on it's own, it fell on a weekend. Which meant a WEEKEND FULL OF CHRISTMAS. I'm still recovering from the food/sugar/lounging around in PJ's coma I put myself in.

{Christmas Eve 12.24}

Since Christmas fell on a Sunday and all that good sthuff, we opted to have our family time on Christmas Eve instead. Mama's side of the family came, along with Gran Jan, and we ate & ate & ate. And admired Bullet. 

The guests converged in the living room.

The grown up table.

Mama & I worked hard on the meal of ham, mashed taters, green bean casserole, another assorted veggies, and deviled eggs. I had three of those suckers...then two more later. I'm such a pig.

Clark focuses on eating.

No meal is complete without Dr. Pepper.

After dinner, we hung around & loved on Bullet some more. Because DUH! He is just so lovable.

Dumb kit lens wouldn't give me amazing bokeh like I saw in my head.

Yeahhh...he's totally stolen our hearts.

And then there was dessert...two pumpkin pies, fudge, and Amish bread.

After everyone left and we had MORE food, we settled in the animals & opened our traditional Christmas Eve present of new PJ's.

Bullet crashed...thank the Lord! He was wide open all afternoon.

Butter, the other pet...he's such a weirdo. Slept up against the HOT metal fireplace & on Dad's wood gloves.

Wonder what it could be?! ;)

Bullet got up and helped. <3

Polka dots FTW!

My little bro

Bullet joined us in putting the star up on the Advent calendar.

We ended the night with watching It's a Wonderful Life for the first time {and then finding out it was on TV too was hilarious!} and reading Mockingjay snuggled under the blankets.

{Christmas Day 12.25}

Bullet did a GREAT job sleeping through the night, and we all slept so late that Mama & Dad had to wake us up around 8:30. Getting woken up by little puppy licks on your face is amazing, BTW.

After we had read the last installment in our Advent story, it was onto the stockings! Yesss.

I spy candyyy!

Something my readers don't know {yet}, it that I decided to become a nurse this past school year. Lots of things lead up to the decision, like my love for the medical field & the feeling that if I went with a different career I'd regret not pursuing my dream. I even wrote a paper on it for the evil English class of 2011, I'm so hardcore about it. Ha.

All that to say, I asked for a camera ornament {we always get one representing our year} but alas, Mama couldn't find one. So, I just said OK & wondered what one they'd get me...turns out my got me such a great one: it's a nurse! I was so surprised & almost cried.

it's just SO awesome.

Surveying the stocking goodies...

the size of his eyes when he saw the giant

What I made out with in my stocking this year: tea, my ornament, new mascara, pretzel M&Ms, and a giant Hershey's bar.

Ususally we get a "big" present each year...Clark's was the puppy {DUH} and mine was a Kindle Fire! I am so totally stoked; this is my first tablet/techonlogy ALL MY OWN.

Puffy & makeup-less but joyful face. Thanksn Mama & Dad!

Other gifts...

Shower radio from Gran Jan...I rock out to Maroon 5 while washing my face. You're jealous I know.

JCPenney's gift card WOOT! I can never shop there because it's so dang expensive.

My view (I didn't get ALL these gifts...both the puzzle & Yahtzee are family presents.

Puppy snuggles <3

Bullet made out like a bandit. Dog toys galore, but of course he prefers to bite us better.

In addition to the puzzle and Yahtzee, we got Hedbandz. Clark saw it on iCarly. Ahem. I am simutaneously appalled and proud.

Dad got sweatpants, flannel PJ bottoms, slippers, and a water bottle. Mama got the latter two plus hand towels as well.

We spent the rest of the day eating {I had FOUR more deviled eggs. I'm addicted, I tell ya}, watching movies {Cars 2 & From Prada to Nada} playing around on the Kindle Fire, and just enjoying each other & vegging out in front of the fire. ::sigh:: I love the holidays.

SUCH a goober.

We ended the night with football & a couple games of Yahtzee, which Clark & I had NEVER played before. It's a new favorite!

I hope you guys had a great Christmas as well!